If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
