Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
