I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
