Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
