found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Drake has all the answers
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
