A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
