Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
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