My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
3pm strippers are depressing
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
