and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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