I wish my penis had an off switch
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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