Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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