I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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