I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
