Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
