There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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