I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
