i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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