At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
