Soap is not a condiment
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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