sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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