he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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