I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
