Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize