final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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