That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
