the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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