My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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