ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
