I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
