I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
