I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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