I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
