This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
