I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
