How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
