You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
