I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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