made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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