i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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