You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize