I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
