in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
