you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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