Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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