I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
