At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
