I love black thongs
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
