i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
