i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I am midnight drunk by noon
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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