Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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