I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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