I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize