I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
