I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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