ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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