the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
