I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
