im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
