Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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