i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
