Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
