I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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