Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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