I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
