it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
