Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize