I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
